Now I know substack promotes itself as a tool for writers to connect with their audiences (and their prospective audiences), but, for me, the essence is that it’s all about creativity, all types of creativity, not just writing. And for me, here, specifically, in this space, it’s about the worries I have, the lack of faith in my creative abilities, the constant questions my fragmented mind asks of itself.
So why so long since I’ve posted? Why so long since I promised to write an answer poem to Ren and still haven’t got round to it?
In the sphere divorced from the artist me, I’ve been very busy at work. That, too, has been fragmented, trying to put priorities into the appropriate order, balancing talking on the phone with emailing, establishing some kind of hierarchy of needs (sorry, Maslow).
On the creativity front, I’ve done a final line edit on A Fear Of Heights, my novel about Irvine and Mallory (and I’ve chosen that order of names deliberately, as opposed to the usually used “Mallory & Irvine”) on Everest, which is due out on 8th June, the 100th anniversary of when they were last seen (and, yes, I know I should have started marketing it months ago, but kind of lost track of time - a theme in my life). So here’s the final cover (and it links to the preorder page for the ebook).
Another reason is that I’ve become preoccupied with the spoken word stuff that I’ve been working on, thinking about, messing around with tunes and structures and chords and words and messages. So much so that I spent much of yesterday evening putting together another track because I wanted to put it out into the wild in time for the local elections in the UK which are happening today. At the risk of depriving myself of sales and listeners, the audio is below. It’s very loud. And it’s called Prime Minister’s Questions. It’ll be available on spotify in a week or so.
None of this really has the ring of uncertainty and doubt about it, does it? Well, I have flashes of self-belief, but you can bet your bottom dollar that I’ll look at this post in a couple of hours’ time and chide myself for putting it up. And battle against the urge to take it down. And wake tomorrow and be full of regret. Those are my cycles.
Other things - I’ve been busy writing a Best Man’s speech for the wedding of one of my greatest friends on Saturday. And that’s brought with it almost as many nerves as I had prior to my wedding day. I’ll be able to explain more next week (but it’s linked to the fact that I always tend to set myself very high standards and get scared of not measuring up to myself).
Bottom line, and referring back to the headline of this piece: my urge to create pulls me towards so many different forms (I’ve not painted in an age, for another example) that I find it difficult to manage my time, to prioritise, to focus. And yet, all the pushing and pulling is in the same direction - making things and sharing them with the world, if the world is listening, watching, reading. I hope it is.
Such a well-written, honest post, Richard, but funny that I read it and marvel at how much you’re doing / have done and how well you are doing it. (Full disclosure, haven’t listened to the clip yet, but will do, next! I like the sound of ‘very loud’ with the theme of PMQs haha!)
You know, my take on imposter syndrome is that we all have it, and perhaps a little is needed to drive us on to always do the best we can do. But also, perhaps imposter syndrome isn’t anything more than being human, and we should just have a word with ourselves of the: you’re doing that thing again, variety, and it’s not helpful. Switch it off and carry on!
I’m looking forward to the novel and am sure your best man’s speech will be/ was wonderful and that the nerves give/ gave you (I can’t se the date you posted this as I type 😳) the focus to deliver it beautifully. Oh, and if you missed a beat? Your friend won’t hold it against you - you’re his best man, for goodness sake 😝
Be kind to yourself and keep on keeping on!
I'm so excited about your new novel - and man do I have a lot of reading to catch up on!
You're just pushing and pulling to make the world a better place right? In all you do? That's what I see.